April 17, 2016

UGGggg….

I have vices. Or a vice. I know what it is. I know I need to improve. I try and sometimes make progress. It's like one step forward and two steps back, (Like the Paula Abdul song, JK)

But seriously, I am a procrastinator. This weekend I’m battling a cold. So that didn’t help the situation. My brain has been foggy. So It/s hard for me to stay focused. I think my depression may be coming back. I should do something before it moves from head fog and turns into physical and emotional pain. I guess avoiding is not the best strategy. I mean I know it's not the best strategy. But I was kinda numb, so I was convincing myself that it was working. Like I went on blackboard this morning, non-school related. And noticed that there was a homework assignment I didn't do. The professor is constantly pushing back deadlines to help us turn things in. Immediately my thought was “ I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to do that”. Now I’m sitting here with 3 hours till midnight doing what I usually do and that is procrastinate. I’m holding back a scream. I want to break down and cry scream. I frustrate myself. I have been to professionals. I have been to therapy. This isn’t an easy fix. Part of the problem is the environment I live in. Like this week I had a rough plan of actions. 

1. go on crags list and advertise a yard sale. 
2. gather all the stuff I wanted to sale. not necessarily clean, but at the very least get all my shit in one location for a yard sale. I couldn’t even do that. The FUCK is wrong with me!? 
3. have a yard sale. 
4. everything that isn’t sold donate it. 
5. then clean. 
6. finish painting my walls 
7. hang my curtain rods. 
8. Put together the loft bed. (Its been its box for probably a year now)

 Let me tell you why this didn’t happen. First, the issue is with step one. I don’t feel comfortable with strangers showing up at my house. So since I can’t do step one. I can't mentally get myself to go do the rest of the list. ITs a mental block. Like my brain shuts down. I’m the worst because I’m stubborn with myself. Not saying I’m not with other people. ITs jut that I have more incentives to cooperate with other people. Basically, that means I’m not kind to myself. I was doing well when I was actively kind to myself. So now I need to recognize the behavior I do that is not nice to myself. Like if I needed someone to help me and they just blew me off and ignored me I’d be very hurt. So I’m totally an asshole for doing that to myself. That was very inconsiderate of me to ignore my own needs. 

Well, that was a breakthrough. I feel better. Better enough to do my homework tonight. Because doing my homework now is for future me. So future me has one less thing to worry about. 

Happy news, my mother ended up taking Zy to the party. Yeah !. I didn't’ feel any better this morning. So honestly If she wouldn’t have helped me out. I would have just bought the kid a toy and had Zy give it to him at school Monday, with our regrets. I hope I feel better in the morning. I have school myself. For a good while I’m going to have these full schools weeks. I hope next year I can get my schedule only 2 days a week. That's pretty much my goal every time I register.