dec 29

okay while i was making Zy breakfast my sister called. and I sometimes avoid picking up cause she never wants to talk to me and when she has me on the phone its always to critize me.

i don't know if my sister has had a easy life. but from my perspective she seems to be able to accomplish all her goals. i have always been proud of her. and i always will. except about her kids. I think her kids are shitbags. and they may improve but with that she really has no business criticizing me. and if the only thing i do is make sure my child grows up better then her kids. that IS what i will do.

When i talked about people that talk to me like its just so damn easy to get up and change. she is the main one. when she talks to me i usually just ya , uh huh. at her. cause if i just stay silent then she get worst with her tangents i learned to cut the critacizum short. but this call today cut a spot worst cause i had just decided some of the first steps i needed to fix my life. and here she is not being satisfied with my efforts. i know on the outside it might look small. but for me this is big. and i need to do baby steps. (i know she doesn't know the efforts i'm makeing) i know my mind better then everyone else. and doing things your way might not be the most productive for me. I love asking advice from people. finding out how they do things. but just because i know what you do does not mean i'm going to make it my gospel. i just enjoy collecting information. (the j on this keyboard is iffy)

Im not going to edit these first few post cause that taking time away from production. i will end up spending more time explaining and less time doing. well off to start fixing myself. i will try to update atleast once a week. i might go back to live journal cause on there i can make post private.

2011 nothing accomplished

okay so I knew i wasn't going to do anything. my heart wasn't in it. but now I hope to be in the place of improvement. A reason I haven't done anything is cause i know to do anything right its going to take years, so starting becomes discouraging.

But my mission this year is to improve my life in one year. By December of 2012 I want to be independent.

First things is I need to cold turkey cafe world. and right now I see that i'm going to have to delete my zynga toolbar cause its telling me that i need to collect my bonus and dishes are ready. its taunting me. also right now that have a couple events im in the middle of building 5 4x lightning stoves!! but as they keep putting out new events im always thinking whens it going to end? cause each event has a timer so i need to spent most of my waking time infront of my computer to get them done cause once its over i will kick myself for not finishing it. since i developed this attitude for a game i was originally apathetic for i stopped playing farmville. which is a good thing. as im talking about this game im doing it cause this is why i haven't stopped playing. when i cook things i get a update on how long ive played and i pretty sure i'm up to 110 days straight. I wish i could apply this dedication to improving mylife. heck i don't even know the last time i read a book. i used to binge read the way ive played games. one thing about books is they have been lame and i don't ussaly read books more them once. so onther reason i pent so much time in game land. I was trying to escape raelity. since reality isn't improveing on its own i need to activly fix it. okay i just deleted Zynga toolbar. some of my anxiety is lessened.

sorry that this isn't going to be the most articulate post. I need to get these thoughts out of my head.

reasons i haven't done things to improve my life.

1. I don't know why i want to do to make money.

This is a big one. in the past i just thought about jobs that were part time. I really didn't have ambition i didn't think i could do better. now its not really a matter of can i do better its. more I HAVE to do better. since my daughter isn't a good enough reason for me. I need to do this for myself. no the problem now is what do I want to do? i can think of things. but then i get into the thoughts of will i succeed. i really don't like lookin for Jobs. so I don't . and its discouraging. I have tried to tell theropist how i feel but ... I have tried to tell other people. But it seems Adult life is Just so dam easy for everyone else. and i know this cause when i try to explain to people whats going on in my head and how i'm the person hindering myself. they ust don't get it. that really think its like a switch i can turn on and off. they talk to me like this is something i don't need to overcome. and that scares me. i mean how damaged am i that i can't do life as easy as everyone else?

2. no motivation

3 depression

4. i look around my environment and i am disgusted and daunted.

So i tent to make list . And a lot of time i get some of the things ticked off.

so here goes.

in 2012 i want to start off clean. clean hair, clean room or apartment. fist thing is i WILL wash my hair. then i WILL work on cleaning my room with Zy's help this time. she made the mess also. and this is the time to teach her organization skills.

i think i should stay off facebook too. cause another thing thats probably not helping me is i tend to seek encouraging words from others. and not sure maybe its not enough or i'm too needy. it just becomes another reason not to do anything. cause if others do see it in me. it must not be there. so i need to just not need others.

as soon as business open i need to go to the CC and talk to a councler so i can get classes for a degree. When people give me knowledge on getting me to my goals i need to act on it. but i hold back cause it feels like a unfair advantage. i need to just stop thinking like this and do the things i need to do to improve my life. and in improving my life my daughters will improve as well.

okay i'm running out of steam. But i need to finish with this so my brain can start fresh for the new year. im not confessing everything. but i am articulating things that i wasn't able to in the past.

I need to make a clear list of Goals

something tht doesn't ramble and i probaly shouldn't add why thats a goal. just how to accomplish this goal. cause this post is going to be cluttered.

thinking of FAcebook again i have 2 accounts. one with my real name and one with a fake one. i think im going to clean up the fake one cause that would be easier. the real one has way too many people to delete. then for another day i can decide which of the people i know in real life i want to switch over to the fake name. i added this account cause i wanted to have a account that i knew didn't have eyes for certain people. paranoid? maybe. but better cautions then naive.

i have about $100 left this month. I think i will by a papper shredder. thats part of the mess in this room. junk mail or bills. basically things i don't want to put in the trash. I need a filing system.

My wardrobe has declined a whole lot. i need to go through it and separate the just unfit to wear clothes from the ones that still look good.

like the clothes with moth holes, bleach stains, ill fitting, and faded.

these i need to decide if i should bust out the sewing machine and spruce them. that could be a project to get me away from the computer. like i can dye them patch them up. tailor them.

(i need to buy a replacement extension cord for my laptop. and hopefully that will fix it. then i don't have to be stuck at this computer)

its been a while since i had the desire to sew. some of the clothes i can scale down and make something for Zy. basically this will shrink my clutter.

I have some fabric that i have no desire to cut up and make things. but its aloooot smaller then the stash of fabric i once had. anyway when i clean up my environment i may get my desire to sew again. of all the ways i can think of to make money. having a online business is the one i can get behind the most. then i don't have to worry about getting fired. and it will be as successful as the effort i put into it. that worries me. but if im not distracted by zynga or cluttered surroundings. then I WILL be fine. got to feed Zy. and this had made me feel lighter. i will come back to finish my thought.