April 17, 2016

UGGggg….

I have vices. Or a vice. I know what it is. I know I need to improve. I try and sometimes make progress. It's like one step forward and two steps back, (Like the Paula Abdul song, JK)

But seriously, I am a procrastinator. This weekend I’m battling a cold. So that didn’t help the situation. My brain has been foggy. So It/s hard for me to stay focused. I think my depression may be coming back. I should do something before it moves from head fog and turns into physical and emotional pain. I guess avoiding is not the best strategy. I mean I know it's not the best strategy. But I was kinda numb, so I was convincing myself that it was working. Like I went on blackboard this morning, non-school related. And noticed that there was a homework assignment I didn't do. The professor is constantly pushing back deadlines to help us turn things in. Immediately my thought was “ I’m not going to lie, I’m not going to do that”. Now I’m sitting here with 3 hours till midnight doing what I usually do and that is procrastinate. I’m holding back a scream. I want to break down and cry scream. I frustrate myself. I have been to professionals. I have been to therapy. This isn’t an easy fix. Part of the problem is the environment I live in. Like this week I had a rough plan of actions. 

1. go on crags list and advertise a yard sale. 
2. gather all the stuff I wanted to sale. not necessarily clean, but at the very least get all my shit in one location for a yard sale. I couldn’t even do that. The FUCK is wrong with me!? 
3. have a yard sale. 
4. everything that isn’t sold donate it. 
5. then clean. 
6. finish painting my walls 
7. hang my curtain rods. 
8. Put together the loft bed. (Its been its box for probably a year now)

 Let me tell you why this didn’t happen. First, the issue is with step one. I don’t feel comfortable with strangers showing up at my house. So since I can’t do step one. I can't mentally get myself to go do the rest of the list. ITs a mental block. Like my brain shuts down. I’m the worst because I’m stubborn with myself. Not saying I’m not with other people. ITs jut that I have more incentives to cooperate with other people. Basically, that means I’m not kind to myself. I was doing well when I was actively kind to myself. So now I need to recognize the behavior I do that is not nice to myself. Like if I needed someone to help me and they just blew me off and ignored me I’d be very hurt. So I’m totally an asshole for doing that to myself. That was very inconsiderate of me to ignore my own needs. 

Well, that was a breakthrough. I feel better. Better enough to do my homework tonight. Because doing my homework now is for future me. So future me has one less thing to worry about. 

Happy news, my mother ended up taking Zy to the party. Yeah !. I didn't’ feel any better this morning. So honestly If she wouldn’t have helped me out. I would have just bought the kid a toy and had Zy give it to him at school Monday, with our regrets. I hope I feel better in the morning. I have school myself. For a good while I’m going to have these full schools weeks. I hope next year I can get my schedule only 2 days a week. That's pretty much my goal every time I register. 

April 16, 2016

Howdy Do!

     Unfortunately, I woke up today with a sore throat this morning. Zy got invited to a party for tomorrow. My mother would rather go to church than help me by taking her for me. I hope I feel better in the morning. I have to go however I feel. This child was one of the two kids that showed up at Zy's party last year. I really appreciate that. Since so few people show up for her parties I didn't want another child's parent to feel like that. I think us as parents are hurt more than the children.

April 14, 2016

Well hello there!!

I had myself a full week of class. At the last minute I ended up increasing my units to full time. 12 units!. Its fine. I will be able to handle this load. One of my classes the book isn't mandatory. and the second Class I got one book for free the 3rd edition. But the professors said she would rather we have the fourth edition. Thankfully I had a classmate in another class that took the class previously and she gave me her fourth edition. So I got two free text books!. Like a community college miracle. She also gave me her notes. So far these extra classes match each other in curriculum. My schedule is about 20 minutes apart, so what I learn in the first class is reiterated in the next class.

Tonight I was scrambling to get my English assignment done. I needed to find someone to interview. and I needed to record the interview. I interviewed Zy first. That was easy and she was excited to help. But I barely made my midnight deadline trying to find a second person to interview. I was about to ask some stranger on one of the groups I'm in on Facebook. I hope that my English teacher will offer me extra credit. A lot of my missed points are from me not understanding the assignment. Like I hear the professor say one thing and I remember it that way. Then later she claims that I heard wrong. But $#Ck its the story of my life. This is nothing new with my academic life. I always swear I'm going to start recording these conversations so I can have proof. I'm coming down from my buzz ( summer punch, sparkly watermelon.) Good night.

April 9th 2016

April 9th

   Today other than spending all my Saturday in the 4th quadrant, I made a birthday present.

   So many people I know have a birthday in April. But I do believe other than saying an insincere “happy birthday!” on Facebook, I only have one more present to give. And This year I was inspired. I took a photo with someone else in mind. Then I used paper app to add flare to it. I was then after a few “duh” moments able to air drop it from my iPad to my iPhone. 

   This morning my mother reminded me that I actually had something to do with the photo. So I went straight to Target. Didn’t even stop to freshen up. I know how I drag my feet on these things. I don’t even remember if I brushed my teeth. I know I drank water first. I haven’t been hungry in the mornings. Probably because I been drinking at night. But where was I … 

   I went target to print out the photo and buy a frame. I decided on the color as I was walking to the frame aisle. But they only had silver metal, black and white. I kid you NOT. I ended up getting a white frame with front and back options. So I figure its going on a coffee table. I now had to look for a sales person that actually knew what washi tape is. I figured I’d use a cute pink washi tape trim since I couldn't find a pink frame. The only tapes they had weren’t in the shade of pink that I wanted. Mind you I'm going from my memory. I just got some paint instead. It's fuchsia in a satin finish. Not the color I was looking for but it turned out great. I had Zy paint most of it. 

   The photo machine at Target was down so I had to drive to CVS (I think, I don’t remember) I thought the price was high. They charged me around $2.80 for 2. It would have been $4.80. But I got one photo at 4x6. Which ended up being better because I had to be creative. One side is the photo I altered. 

And the other side is a photo I took of Zy when she wasn’t expecting.  

   I love that picture because she doesn’t have a goofy look in it. Since the 4x6 photo is smaller I used my paper cutter to cut some scrapbook paper 6x8. I glued the smaller photo to the scrapbook paper. 

Its perfect because that did have the exact shade of pink I was looking for. Its subtle, and with the shade of the pink paint, the finished project looks more fun. 

RIP Prince

Ok so I’m sitting here like “Phew” I had 4 minutes to spare, turning in my English homework. I’m glad I did it but I almost wasn’t. I took for granted that last week the professor gave us 2 extra days. So it was well after 11PM when I got started.

            I found out in class from one of my professors that Prince had died. That’s sad news. But everyone is celebrating. All over the world government buildings and bridges turned their night lights purple. Celebrating his life. It’s like the party won’t stop. I found out that Prince kick KK off his stage for refusing to dance! That was amazing. There is a video of it one YouTube.

            I did laundry today. I felt really good about myself. Well done Kimmy.  : D I’m trying to catch up on The Magicians. It’s not the worst show. It'd be better if the actor that plays Q picked less irritating acting choices. I cringe at his terrible posture. So for me, it’s super distracting. I’m going to scrap my other blogs and move the post over here. Keep everything in one location.

National Parks week!

I went to a job fair today. I got a bag of neat stuff for Zy. I'm only season 6 of supernatural. I'm going to move my videos over to this channel. This one is my first and I only made the other one because when google combined with youtube my stuff got muddled. This is national parks week.

My cousin and I plan to go to one this week. I'd like to go to one up north. But its short notice. I've never been to Yosemite. Or Yellowstone. Or Grand canyon.  

I found you!

I knew I had a blog. I could find it. I forgot what email I used to make it. Here it is! wow I haven't updated this blog since 2013. I suppose that when I started video journaling.