was v-day

Yesterday was valentines day. Zy was very happy about it. I think its now her favorite holiday.  i know the Chinese character for fire.
as for today. its not like i don't have any patients. but i think i may need to find a shelter in the antelope valley. either that or drop out of school and finish later on. I really hate this. inside i'm screaming. on the outside i feel like i'm encased in a warm fog. The people that are the closest, that are supposed to be the most supportive to me because blood is supposedly thicker then water, they are part of the problem. This is not a good life. I have endoured this because i always think, as bad as things are now they can always get better. This is a moment that i just don't want to endure any more. I want it all to stop. in one of these moments where i don't care about the future its always accompanied by crushing sadness. But now this time. this time i feel anxiety. I feel no hope. no hope non. Even the responsibility of staying around for Zy isn't enough to keep me going. I don't know how I've gotten to this point. the kind of life i want is a simple one where i don't have to directly deal with other humans. I don't want them responsible for me. And i don't want to be responsible for them. But you can't exist like that. humans create societies because the larger majority need other humans to feed off of. all cultures breed emotional vampires. at this moment I'm the prey. And if I do get in a better place emotionally and environmentally I refuse to become the predator  I wont gain a better life situation because i have hurt someone else. I'm better then that. I have pride. I wont do to other people the same that was done to me.